hiiii
yo
I've been thinking about how I am bothered by the fact that I have only one way to experience everything. It's this same fustration that causes me to create, to put pencil to paper, letters into a gray screen, spoken words to a freind of mine. If I am only myself, how boring is that. My experiences feel mundane, not in the sense that there are more interesting ones, rather there are so many other ways to experience the same events. Had I been a different person, different circumstances, I would be much different. I think my characters especially are an extrapolation on this idea. This idea of there is so much to experience is what keeps me running as a person. I dislike catagorizing experiences as bad or good, though there are other reasons for this , I am certain of that, and like to experience as much of the awful as much as the good. I'd like to do so much more but I think my experiences are constricted by I will only live as one person, one full identity, one gender despite as much as I hate it. Though my queerness and this idea are a discussion for another day.
I've been getting more excited about things recently, it feels really great to feel as if I'm returning to my old personality. I still get fatigued a lot, so I assume this is just because I have so much more time to physically rest, so that's pretty cool.
I doubt my friends check up on this a whole lot. On one hand, I'm glad. I can talk about more depressing things in my own space. I haven't been able to get a grasp on how and where to discuss heavier issues. I want to avoid leaving a weight on others but I feel as if that might not be possible. Even if my own weight regarding it is lightened, aren't I inherently causing more for other people. And I know they wouldn't really tell me that they mind BUT I MIND. I don't want your lives to be harder by this thing that I experience so much of. I have this impression on people that I'm hella well adjusted, I don't really know why. It's a great feeling to know that others aren't worried for me, but simulaniously it feels like an accidental avoidance of my experiences (this is the afformentioned other hand). I guess the only one to blame for this is myself. I have the scars to show for my experience but I pretend they don't exist. Maybe I just have to be able to be open about my issues first before I can start to push through them. I've had the same issues for years. It's been almost a decade at this point. Maybe you just have to start somewhere.